What drives some of us to actively pursue social interactions when some lack the desire or motivation to uphold and continue stable relationships? Why do some of my friends respond favorably to my continuous prompts for interaction while some, regrettably, neglect our friendship? How does the social world organize my friendships and can I relieve myself of social stresses by acknowledging the stratification?
I probably throw the word, "friend" around too simply, instead of actually remaining truthful to its original definition. A friend should be someone with whom I have a great time with, open conversations with and who appreciates my good qualities and tries to understand and smooth out my bad ones. I'm beginning to use it more sparingly these days and have added an additional clause to my "friend" definition. And that is the importance of mutual exchange, a social reciprocity of sorts.
Often, I have spent large quantities of time getting to know someone with whom I would like to befriend. I do this in a multitude of ways: through one-on-one lunches or coffee outings, casual group events, more personal game or movie nights or through large social gathering that I host. These invitations have had tremendous success; I have met so many people with whom I share fantastic memories with. But, as I have come to learn, it is through social reciprocity that I appreciate and acknowledge a good friend when I meet them.
By social reciprocity, I mean the shared drive to maintain social ties with each other. While their presence at my organized events has been a powerful ice-breaker, it is only when that person extends their own personal social invite, that I feel we are truly moving beyond superficial or surface friendship. They can do this in many ways as well: through weekly txts, or phone calls, Facebook messages or exchanging links with common interests. I've been invited to study with them, watch a movie or t.v. show with them. Most recently, I accepted an invitation to the gym with someone and have spent an evening at a play with another. It's this exchange of communication or invitations that makes one feel a certain bond between people growing. Its through shared memories and experiences that a friendship is certain to blossom.
But what of the friends I am certain I have, but who are hard to get a hold of? It isn't easy to live within the same Zip code of close friends, nor is it easy to find our friends with plenty of free time to visit and socialize (even when they may be in the same town). In college, I find myself caught in this conundrum: there are many with whom I am acquainted who wish to spend time with me, but they are engaged in being a full-time student and a part-time worker and have little time to spare. What do I make of these individuals? Am I to cast them aside as "surface-level friends" merely because they are busy and cannot afford me their time? No, I see it simply as a "rain-check" friendship. For example: One day, I txt a friend, inviting her to a movie-night that evening. She is otherwise detained and won't be able to make it. Instead of dropping the idea of a social gathering for me to initiate sometime later, she extends a solution. That is, she lets me know of a date and time in the near-future that would be better for her. Perhaps, that weekend. Through this, I am guaranteed to feel closer to that person and without stress that our friendship is one-sided.
While many of my friends work in this "rain-check" fashion, I have begun to realize that not all do. And, for someone who wants to have close relationships with many different personalities I've met throughout my life, I have learned to understand that friendships are two-sided. It is not merely enough that I continually invite, extend and offer social gatherings for us. When it is clear that I am being neglected, I should not be afraid to leave that person alone. I have little free time myself, and should spend it with those who are motivated by the social ties they wish to create with me. For the others out there, I can only hope that someday they can afford the time.
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